110825_make up your mind

granola aesthetics

Patagonia, The North Face, outdoors-y stuff.

Put them together, and you get the granola aesthetics.

Replace half of that with runner girl aesthetics, and that's the aesthetics I want on me all the time – except I can't wear those to work.

just make up your mind

I wrote literally 2 days ago that my goal was to work on the shorter distances like the 5K and the 10K rather than the half-marathon.

But at the same time, I love running long distances even if I'm slow. I need to focus on one, but I want to accomplish so much in such a short amount of time.

I hate this to sound super cheesy, but the same goes for my "dream." I have interests in academia, but I want to improve my industry skills at the same time – to an unrealistic degree. That is, I want the research abilities of a researcher working at a place like the Jameel Clinic, while I also want the corporate skills of a MAANG software engineer.

Except the thing is, I want the researcher abilities more, so why do I have a lingering attachment to the tech industry? It's so ironic because I know my forte is in focusing on one thing at a time. I'm just too impatient with myself, and it is hard to get out of this, even if I know good things take a while and I need to be patient.

my biggest enemy

is me.

My biggest enemy, blocker, barrier – you name it – is me.

Ever since I came to this realization two days ago, it has been growing exponentially in my head. I'm starting to see the subconscious walls I stood up in all areas of my life.

"You can't run a sub-7:00 mile because that's too fast for you."

"You already have a bachelor's degree and a software engineering job. You're too old to change paths."

"You won't be able to make a significat contribution to cancer research and cancer cure because you need to start over and it's too late."

...And I'm afraid I've only scratched the surface.

I know it's probably – most likely – not too late at all for me, but the words I know and the words I feel seem to clash with each other. Every. Single. Time.

If my best friend had the same issues, of course, I'd tell them that they're absolutely wrong in the best way possible and actually mean what I say.

But I can't do the same for myself.

but keep looking

But I made up my mind: I need to break out of myself.

I will look for open labs and researchers/profs doing AI + oncology research, and read their publications and current projects. I will cold-email them and seek out the opportunities myself.

Just thinking about this entire search + outreach process is uncomfortable – it probably will be – but I can't forever imprison myself behind my own bars. Hopefully, posting about this will keep me accountable.

See you tomorrow,
Ael