111125_manifesting

unfortunate

Unfortunately, manifesting has never worked for me – it always backfired and I ended up the exact opposite of what I manifested.

I remember that, until high school, I was a pretty hopeful person, and I never really thought about the possibility of not achieving my goals. Although I got the occasional, "What are you to think that you can do that?" (which, by the way, don't let anyone talk to you like that, even if they say it lightly as a joke) I didn't let it get to me and used it to fuel my fire.

However, my hopefulness took a rapid downhill year after year: freshman year college decisions, sophomore year college transfer decisions, junior year internship decisions, and senior year post-grad hiring season. No matter how hard I tried, nothing worked, and to be honest, I'm still trying to overcome this trauma.

Every time I try something new, whether that's learning something, going back into Leetcode, reading, adopting a new habit, or getting out of a bad habit – I default to "Why bother if it's not going to work for me anyway?"

As someone who tends to go all-out on self-development or career-related objectives, I want to play it safe. I now don't want to spend weeks, months, or even years working towards something that's going to fail. I have somewhat mastered the art of "not looking forward to anything" because if I get my hopes up and end up failing, I know how brutal the backlashes are.

I don't need more proof, I need more faith

A couple of days ago, I wrote that I wanted to run a marathon one day, and that's still a valid thought. But I'm beginning to question my reason behind the urge: I need more proof that I can do hard things.

There are times when you need to stack small wins to let yourself know that you can do things – it's actually one of the advice I've seen the most for people who want to get out of a rut or build more self-confidence.

However, this advice has never really worked for me – ever – and I can say that with 100% certainty. So how in the world would I, someone who's already burnt out to the core and hit the deepest rock bottom, overcome this?

Maybe I don't need more proof.
Maybe I have enough proof.

As cheesy and cringeworthy as this sounds, maybe all I need is to have faith, because I've had zero trust in myself.

See you tomorrow,
Ael