113025_reality check

I don't think the title of this post has anything to do with what I'm about to write about, but I just wanted to name it that way.

I'm scared of the things coming up for me this week: the problems/issues/bugs I have to fix, the messages I need to reply to, the dark commutes to work & back to my apartment, the sleepless nights, the pang of anxiety, panic, and helplessness, etc.

I know I've saved myself from them multiple times, but that doesn't mean I want to face them again. Just because I have experience dealing with such situations doesn't mean I enjoy them. I can do it, but I don't want to.

However, staying somewhat delusional about my dream has made things a little better. Like this morning, I was calling my parents, and we talked about how we'd go to DC together if I got accepted to grad school at Hopkins. I'm scared of tomorrow, the upcoming sprint for one of my projects, and my progress toward my promotion, but I'm not terrified, like I would've been in October.

Maybe it will get better for me. Maybe it really will, as November has been.

Ael